#1 - The Warlock of Firetop Mountain

The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain

Where better to start than at the very beginning: the book that nearly every Fighting Fantasy reader has read and that every Fighting Fantasy blogger has written about. So I doubt I'll add much to it to be honest.

My history with the book

Had this one as a child, and it might have been a book I actually tried playing for real. Since then, I've played and completed the Blue Bubble app of it and played and completed the TinMan Games version that came out last year. So, technically, this should be a walk in the park. I vaguely know which way to go and what to do so I expect to finish this one without any problems.

The adventure

Skill: 12
Stamina: 21
Luck: 9

With stats like those, this quest should be a cakewalk. I'm imaging my character as a brainless Conan type, looking for fights, grunting a lot, and probably called Crunk or Biff or Lee.

I begin my adventure walking openly through the front door and finding a sleeping guard. Despite being appalled by his slothenly work ethic, I resist the opportunity to stab him and instead creep past.
I soon come across standard dungeon doors. Opening the first one, I find a sleeping orc clutching a box, so I naturally try to steal it from his grasp. Clumsy arse that I am though, I kick a chair over and he wakes up. I briefly contemplate using the classic 'sing monster back to sleep with a lullaby' technique, but that isn't an option the book gives me. So I instead simply kill him and steal his box, which contained a mouse. In the subsequent rooms, I find a snake in a box (which I kill) and two drunken orcs (who I kill). The massacre of corridor one has left me with one key, a fire spell to deal with a dragons, and a lifetime of PTSD I'd imagine.

Strolling through the corridors, I come across an orc kitchen with, what I presume is, 5 orcish Mary Berry wannabes. Aspiring to be like those loutish skinhead types you see in Wetherspoons, I march in and slaughter them all, whilst barely receiving a scratch. Thus, the journey begins seeming less like an adventure and more like a thug massacring a group of passive orcs.

So off I go again, freeing a prisoner (who I calm by calling 'Old Man'. Personally, that would enrage me further), and finding a lovely shield in the armoury and so buffing up my stats even further. Having wandered through a portcullis, I arrive at a room containing a statue with a shiny, cycloptic eye. 'No harm could possibly come from me taking that gem,' I say to myself, whilst ironically winking at an imaginary audience. Obviously, the statue comes to life and, despite giving me my first combative challenge, eventually crumbles, allowing me take the gemstone and a key which was hidden inside the statue. How you hide a key in a statue I'm not sure, but I pocket it rather than ask questions.

Also, the first of many gratuitous arse shots found in these adventures

I continue northwards and run straight into a barbarian (which, to be honest, was an encounter I hadn't expected. Kinda thought I knew this book pretty well but it seems surprises can still occur!). Obviously, I straight out murder him before moving into a room filled with portraits. Looking at the one marked 'Zagor', I suddenly feel all worried and queasy. Until, that is, I inexplicably hold my newly acquired gemstone up to the portrait. This courses the picture to scream and disappear. A clue to an easy end game perhaps...?

Unfortunately, this marked a period of the adventure where my hero's low luck caused a constant stream of calamitous events. I arrive at a river, with a sign saying I needed 2 gold for a boat ride. Somehow, I had no money so I decided to punt the boat across myself. Halfway across the river, the boat wobbles and I fall out, swimming back to shore. I decide to take the bridge but again tumble off halfway across and have to swim to the shore. Luckily, the boat has also floated back so I risk it again and manage to blunder my across the river which has so far given me more challenges than a mountain of orcs.

Continuing north, I find myself immediately beaten into unconsciousness. I awake to find 4 zombies staring at me, which I promptly...er...re-kill. I move into the next room and awaken a vampire, who is staked immediately. And so I finally arrive at the infamous Maze of Zagor. I stumble around, meet some dwarves, kill a minotaur (stealing his key) and continue to move in the direction that I thought the exit was in.

Minotaur in pants being the most erotic of my battles

However, it seems that my confidence was misplaced, for 15 minutes later I was still blundering around. Drawing a map helped me finally locate the exit and find the penultimate room - The Dragon's Lair. If only I had a spell to beat dra- oh wait. I do. Dragon runs off in tears.


So I finally reach the warlock himself, shine a gem at him and watch him melt. The 3 keys I've picked up are just the 3 I needed and the treasure is mine.

Success!

So, How'd it go?

Despite my early confidence, it took 3 tries to beat this one.

Adventurer 1 - Paralysed and eaten by a Wight despite a skill of 10
Adventurer 2 - Killed by cyclops. Because I had a skill of 7.

And how was the book?

It's hard to rate this as it's so well known. My knowledge of the book made it less of an adventure and more of a trip down memory lane. Still, I didn't expect to die so much so it shows that nothings certain. Generally, this is a fairly standard dungeon crawl, but one that led to many years of Fighting Fantasy. So can't complain really.